The Impossible Dream

Numbers 5:5-10

God tells Moses that when someone wrongs someone else in any way, that person is guilty and must confess his sin. He must make financial atonement for the sin adding one-fifth of the value to make up for it. If the wronged person has no close relative (I guess assuming the innocent party has died) the restitution belongs to God and goes to the priest- with the addition of a ram used for atonement. He ends with "Each man's sacred gifts are his own, but what he gives to a priest will belong to the priest." I'm not sure what to make of the distinction.

This is an issue that ties me in knots over and over. There are so many elements that make this hard to deal with.

First, you have to be aware of the sins committed. If they unknowingly wronged someone, were they condemned simply because they didn't realize their actions? Or is this part of the command more about a refusal to humble self and bend will? I realize I've sinned, but I won't admit it.

Second, every wrong demands restitution. So does that mean if I tell you a story and exaggerate a detail, suddenly now I owe you money and must confess my sin? What financial value gets placed on non-financial sins? Does every sin demand restitution?

Third, what about sins that happened so long ago, the details are fuzzy. I have so many of these memories and they eat me up. Am I supposed to look up people from my past and let them know sketchy details of how I wronged them a decade ago? Do their puzzled looks and awkward responses somehow make something better? Is this really what God wants?

Fourth, who is the confession made to? When he says every sin is confessed, does that mean confessed to God? To the person you sinned against? To another person who can pray for you? To a priest?

Fifth, are there times when confession can make things worse? If a person doesn't realize a wrong, can an apology hurt someone's feelings or hurt a relationship? If I apologize for harsh comments when a person thought I was joking, has my confession caused more harm?

Sixth, when does it end? For every ancient, inconsequential wrong I can dig up and try to apologize for, I can think up two more. Is this to be my life's work?

But the two most important questions in my mind:

One, is this what God wanted? It kind of seems like He's talking about confessing to the actual person wronged- except that he talks about the no-close relative clause. Certainly in those instances such confession was impossible. Was it even desired?

Two, is this what God wants for us? Is the principle more, as I sin, be aware of who I've hurt and when possible and beneficial, confess to them? Always confess to God, but not in a legalistic if I don't remember every one I'm going to Hell kind of way.

I once had a conversation with a friend about trying to go back and amend for a complicated wrong from years ago. It would have involved hunting down someone I had only met a few times who lived in a different state. His comment was "that's what Jesus is for"(Or something like that).

And hopefully that's the key. We have Jesus' blood to cover us. I don't need to live in constant dread because I have a handful of wrongs I can think of that I've never made amends for.

And if that's not the case, it's gonna be a long road. I better look up my college friend who I haven't spoken to in a decade and let him know that I lied about why I wanted to borrow his car.

Long road, indeed.